People born in 1980 are considered Gen X by some definitions and Millennials (Gen Y) by others. They are often called “Xennials,” a micro-generation between Gen X and Millennials, known for having an analog childhood and a digital adulthood. I believe that, along with many others in my generation, I’m here to break generational curses.
During COVID, I lost my husband, my son’s father on April 3, 2020 to alcoholism. I knew then that it was time to face myself and sort through this Shit, because I wanted a child my whole life and now I was all my 4 year old son, Dylan, had. So I stopped drinking on my own. I didn’t go to rehab, although I wanted to. I had to just “woman up.”
AA didn’t resonate with me, but Dr. Nicole LePera did. She wrote the book, How To Do The Work (on yourself) and I read it, then I took her course. What happened was truly life-changing. I really became the very best version of myself. I’m so happy now, but not from anything materialistic or something society told me should make me happy; just from within. Because as you will read, I had all of the things that society promised would make us happy, but I wasn’t. And then I realized that all humans are capable of this. And I wanted to share everything I learned.
The process and the development of this book were inspired by Matthew McConoughey. I have so many journals from my twenties. When McConoughey wrote his book, Green Lights, he locked himself in a cabin for a season with all of his old journals and re-wrote them. Dylan listened to his book with such intent, we barely stopped on our drive to the Outer Banks during the summer of 2023, and he was only 7 years old.
I was fascinated with Rastafarian culture growing up and I loved Bob Marley, his melodic voice soothed my trauma away, his gorgeous dreadlocks adorned the largest poster in my childhood bedroom, next to The Beastie Boys. When I was working in my internship at Andria Mistakos Public Relations in 2004, she got the Island Outpost account, owned by Chris Blackwell, who was also the Founder of Island Records, which was Bob’s label.
I got to go to Jamaica with her. In talks of starting my own PR agency one day, I lacked confidence because I came from less than Andria. Chris said, “you would be surprised what you can build from nothing.” Bob said those exact words to him in the “One Love” movie.
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield (published in 1993/1994) is a spiritual adventure novel that follows the journey of a man who travels to Peru in search of an ancient manuscript containing nine insights about human consciousness and spiritual awakening. As he uncovers these insights one by one, he encounters various characters and challenges that guide him toward a deeper understanding of synchronicity, energy, intuition, and personal transformation. The book blends fiction with self-help ideas, emphasizing the interconnectedness of all things and the evolution of human awareness.
I read The Celestine Prophecy in the year 2000. I spent 2002 in NYC working at 21 years old, unable to afford going out much. So I decided to take a break from partying and I looked back over journals I had written up until that point, re-wrote them into one large journal, and compared my life up until that point to the nine insights.
All of the contents in that large journal appear in this book. In going back, I uncovered wounds left by a narcissist that were made when I was fresh out of my childhood trauma. I got so attached to guys so quickly, and I only see the good in people, so I don’t see red flags. I realized that I needed to heal all of that if I was going to step into the best version of me and stop repeating the cycle.
A major sign of childhood trauma is that, instead of walking away from those who hurt you, you keep trying to make them treat you better, because your inner child is still trying to earn love and feel like they’re enough, even from those who cause you pain.
Someone who comes from emotional abuse will unconsciously seek that in a romantic partner and ignore the red flags. It was a familiar hell, and we unconsciously choose that over an unfamiliar heaven until we heal.
So I showed up, as 44 year old Kelly, for 22 year old Kelly. I told her that all of the trauma and chaos were not her fault. I told her that she was worthy and deserving of greatness. I told her that I loved her, and I gave her a lot of grace and space to heal. Because hurt people hurt people, but healed people heal people.
The point of this journal, going along with The Celestine Prophecy, was mainly to point out how life can be seen in a whole new light with a little quiet time alone – it’s all in your head. So the head must be cleared, in order to feel intuition.
The most magnificent journey I have ever embarked on is this journey back to self.
When I started writing this book in April of 2024, I had no contact with my immediate family. Their take on my grieving was that I should get over it quicker and move on. They were not interested in going back to the past to heal with me. So, no contact was the best for me at first. Also in the spring of 2024, I was able to do The Emotion Code at Hippocrates Wellness Institute, to release trapped emotions from inside my body that were inherited from my ancestors, and don’t belong to me: Anxiety, Anger, Sadness, Feeling Unsupported, Conflict, Resentment, Overwhelm, Guilt, Lust, Abandonment and Stubbornness.
My story starts from the very beginning, because that’s “a very good place to start.” But my intention is not to throw my parents under the bus. I truly want to enjoy my time with them today. Things are good with them now, in fact, better than they’ve ever been. Dylan invited my parents to his Holy Communion in May of 2024, and we began to rebuild our relationship from there, although I remain estranged from my sisters today. My intention was to make sense of my Shit for me, then for all of you to relate and feel less alone.
My story is unconventional – all of my attempts at a “normal” life, college, marriage and career were sabotaged. We joke that “normal is boring,” but really all I’ve ever wanted was to be seen and loved, to feel safe and secure, connected, included and accepted, even celebrated, for all that I am. And all of us deserve that. We are all worthy, just as we are.
My parents did not believe in therapy as we were growing up, so there were no formal diagnoses on anyone’s mental health. They were too afraid of what it would reveal about them if their children were “sick,” and what others would think about our family.
However, we believed that my mother exhibited traits of someone with Bipolar Disorder and my father of Anxiety and Depression. My sister, Colleen, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. When my sister Kim was 13, she tried to kill herself by overdosing on pills.
I self-diagnosed myself over the years with ADHD and Anxiety, mostly just for the meds, but have only ever been formally diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Complex because it was vast, extreme, constant, and mostly out of my control.
I struggle to say that I was neglected because I can hear my elder Gen-Xers smirking now and exclaiming that we all were. It was society at the time, encouraging dual incomes in the home and both parents entering The Matrix. Because I was so much younger than my sisters, it often felt that my problems were insignificant, and any issues I brought to my parents deemed “a bother,” so I learned early on to figure things out on my own.|
Unfortunately, things like that stick with us and I have often felt that my heavy emotions are a burden to others in my adult life, too, so I tend to retreat and solve my problems alone. But that’s not always the way, we need community and connection to thrive. This vicious cycle wouldn’t break until I finally separated from my parents in my 40’s. We came back together, thank God, but on my terms with my boundaries in place.
I wanted to get better and really work on myself, but it was too challenging when I was around my mother, she triggered me too much; I would act out, then I would be blamed and shamed. I never felt comfortable to share my true feelings, because I felt they would be brushed off and criticized. I never felt like my feelings mattered, and I always assumed everyone had better things to do than listen to how I felt, or help me manage my feelings.
I had to face a lot of my shadows, the parts of us that we don’t really like and maybe wish were different, and typically shadows are inherited traits from our parents. Once acknowledged, accepted and examined, though, they can be changed. This is how generational curses are broken – by facing and feeling. Not running away.
While my parents were not interested in processing the past with me, my mother has expressed interest when I discover a potential reason behind something we both do, how to acknowledge it and how to course-correct, moving forward. And it’s interesting to me to hear her talk more about my ancestors. It all starts to make sense and I’m really grateful they are here with me now.
The only way out is through.
Our parents didn’t know how to face the Shit, and that’s ok. I have realized that the generational curse I broke was alive and well for ages, everyone before me was not strong enough to break it. They did the best they could with the hand they were dealt, just like me. But since I felt it all and faced it all, it was released in all of my ancestors, both living and deceased. And no blood relative will ever have to feel any of this Shit again, starting with Dylan.
So, while some of the living may be upset with me for speaking my truth here, I did a really good thing for all of them, and my heart was always in the right place. I have no regrets. Someone had to show up for me, break the curse and save the family, protect the legacy – and that’s what I’m doing here now.
My parents have now both admitted to me that moving to California was their biggest regret in life. You will see that I was right about that move being a bad idea, at only 5 years old. Just like later you will see that Dylan was right, at 5 years old, about rejecting my decision to purchase a second home in the Caribbean. What is the difference? In the later situation, the parent listened to the child. This shows the child that what he or she thinks, says and feels matters. Children bloom when you empower them, and give them opportunities to lead. You will be surprised, they know a lot more than we give them credit for.
I also wish for my story to be a cautionary tale for parents today. Because how we fill our children’s tanks while they’re under our roof will not only shape their future, but it will determine how much time they choose to spend with us when they no longer have to.
Of course, I desire to be loved again, but it was very important to me that there not be a revolving door of men in this house, each one opening up our abandonment wounds when it ends. That would not have been good for Dylan. I think parents today rush too quickly into new relationships because they can’t be alone, and that has severe consequences on the children. Yes, splitting expenses is nice, as is adult conversation, but not with the wrong person. Trust me, you are better off alone. Take the time to get to know yourself, and the right people will find you.
The Shit is not why we’re here, we’re here for the Roses.
The quicker you accept the Shit, the quicker you will get the Roses. Stop comparing your life to anyone else’s. We all have Shit, and we all have Roses. There are blessings in every burden, learn to be grateful for both. It’s how you get out of it, how you rise above it all, that counts. The grass is greener where you water it. Just deal with things as they come, day by day. Everything happens for a reason, even Shit – train your brain to find it before you react and spiral into victimhood – that only delays the inevitable. Don’t give up, but don’t overdo it either, find a balance.
The truth is – you are your own saviour.
Your healing isn’t in the next protocol, diet or cleanse: It’s in sitting with all of the Shit you’ve been suppressing and avoiding. The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away. Because as long as you are running from yourself, you are full of unconscious chaos, old fears, outworn beliefs and counter intentions – that’s the chaos that will continue to be reflected back to you. Your outer situation is simply a mirage calling for you to go within to heal the real wounds. And the more you keep focusing on the outer situation, trying to fix it, you just push more energy into it, strengthening the problem with your focus and your thoughts and your words. All the while, the true wound festers within.
Don’t stay on the surface, the transformation occurs much deeper. There’s a shift that needs to happen, to turn from the outside into the inside. To finally take on the proverbial monsters of your consciousness, so you can emerge in a new light. Avoidance is the action that puts things into the shadows. Your shadow parts are emerging to liberate your light. Your shadow isn’t the enemy, it’s a doorway.
The greatest act of human courage isn’t climbing mountains, conquering countries, or fighting in wars. It is walking into the mysterious abyss of one’s own inner self and truthfully facing one’s own pain and tortured shadows. Triggers do not come to punish us, they come to liberate us. Shadow work is choosing to turn toward what we’ve hidden from ourselves. When you do shadow work, you are doing the work of radical self acceptance.
We’re called on to go into the deeper part of emotions, the energy, the body consciousness, the primal sides of ourselves. Transformation occurs from going within and understanding what is truly going on in the non-verbal parts of our psyche. Confronting the shadows. Finding the places where we’re lost to ourselves, discovering where we ourselves keep ourselves locked into a self-made prison of thoughts and fears, and opening the door. Because we have had the key the whole time.
Embracing the shadows in us, shining the light of love, on all of the wounded parts of ourselves…that’s the alchemy of self-love. It’s not just about being in love or finding the man or woman of your dreams. It’s about transforming darkness (unknowing, human illusions, hurt, pain) into light by using the power of love. To accept all the hurts, to accept everything bad that’s happened. To pick up the pieces to ourselves and glue them back together, healing every pain with love.
The stories that you’re about to read were meant to be lived by a younger version of me, and then shared by the healed version of me – the one who found herself and came back for the younger version, and took our power back, because no one else was going to do that for us. There is no prince on a white horse coming to save us, but this princess became a Queen in a white Range Rover and she lived happily ever after.
It’s on the journey to find love that we find (and fall in love with) ourselves. That’s the great love story – the rest is Roses.
It was important to me to be authentic and honest with Dylan when we lost Charles. Quite frankly, I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to speak to him like a 4 year old. He bore witness to all of my healing – the good, the bad and the ugly. And that shaped him into the mature young man he is today. There is also a part of healing where you reparent your inner child, and that has been fun to bring her out to play with Dylan at his different ages and stages. Especially now that my generation is out there recreating all of our childhood classics from The Super Mario Brothers to Hello Kitty. What a time to be alive.
We need to be authentic and honest with each other now. No more competing, no more pretending we don’t have Shit in our lives. If anyone tells you that everything in their life is Roses, they’re lying to you and themselves. Please just be real with each other, please tell someone when you’re not ok, please let people help you. Please stop judging others and look within instead. The happiest people I know are evaluating and improving themselves. The unhappy people are usually evaluating and judging others.
I wish more women knew that the hate they spew and the judgements they make on other women, are simply a projection of how they feel inside. It’s all just word-vomit, poison. We should all be more impeccable with our words. We have got to unite and be kind to each other if we want to leave the world a better place than when we first arrived. United We Stand, Divided We Fall.
“Let the world see you as you are, and not how you think you should be. Because, if you are posing and you lose the pose, then where are you?”
I don’t honor this enough – partying was a huge part of my life, one might say that it defined my existence for 25 years, from age 15 to 40. I went through divorce, grief, and living in my greatest fear of being a single mom for 5 years, without booze. If I can actually come out on the other side of this Shit as the happiest, best version of myself, I promise you that anyone can.
I hope that what I went through and put on paper here was not only for me to heal and thrive in this life, but for each and every one of you – no matter who you are, how old you are or where you came from – we are all capable of greatness, you are the greatest investment you will ever make. Start now – look within, ask yourself questions, don’t be afraid. I promise you – time well spent alone will provide your life with the greatest Return On Investment. The magic is inside all of us.
One Love,
Kelly
“Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.”
-Stephen Covey