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Raising the Bar – The Modern Attempt at “Having it All”

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced

When I was little, mid-life seemed light years away and well, awful. There was a “midlife crisis” and a corny “over the hill” party to look forward to. And if I EVER became one of those women who walk around their neighborhood with their arms moving fast – sometimes with light weights – just shoot me right there. I swear my dad blamed everything my mom said or did for a decade on “the change.”

But now, here we are. We are a generation of people-pleasers, never really encouraged to look within ourselves and always told to put on a happy face, no matter what, don’t share your problems with others. We finally made it to our entry-level jobs only to lose most of them during the 2008 recession. Then we were welcomed to mid-life with a global pandemic, forcing us all inside with only ourselves. And most of us were not ok. I believe that the only good thing that came out of the pandemic was that now, we’re talking about it, and there’s an opportunity now for a global reawakening.

To all my girlfriends – I see you. Whether you’re the boss at the office or home, or both! Or you have ailing parents or you’re going through a divorce. Over half of us are divorced! A lot of us didn’t get the fairy tale ending we were promised as children, and we’re angry. And we’re blaming our parents or taking it out on each other instead of looking within. Because we just made it through so many storms and the last thing we may remember is our teenage angst. We are all at our breaking points and in desperate need of a reset.

I’ve personally experienced all the above in the last 20 years, and that trauma eventually screamed for me to pay attention to it in the form of back pain, digestive issues and ultimately my own alcohol abuse. But that that was just my distraction method of choice, and there are many. So many. I see my friends, and myself, carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, in a never-ending pursuit of completing a never-ending to-do list, with minimal to no help. We can, and are usually expected to, work non-stop while raising well-rounded, woke children and giving them so much more emotional support than we ever got or even know how to give ourselves. We are constantly pouring from our cup – to our kids, our clients/boss, friends, spouse, all the things. But we are not filling it up. You guys – what’s going to happen when we’re all locked up in a mental institution? The kids will not be ok then and the world of business will suffer again.

America is a complete disgrace in its insufferable desire for more, and never satisfied when they get it. We’re the country of excess, super-size me, the only fools you see shoveling oversized portions of food into our mouths throughout the day while injuring our necks and backs on a laptop and cell phone 24/7. The only ones getting wasted at the bar. Excess. Unnecessary excess.

And for what? The most successful, wealthiest people I know are pushing 60 years old and walking around with a laptop stuck to their arm, working through a vacation with their kids or holing up in their bedroom all day on calls and e-mail, only coming out for food. They say they’re working to leave their kids something. How about leaving them with the knowledge that they were unconditionally loved and that that can be whomever they want to be and will always have your support? These people all think the next thing will bring them happiness, and it never does. Money does not buy happiness, I got to see that up close and personal.

We drink or eat too much, or work too much, because it distracts us from doing the work on ourselves. We also distract ourselves by pointing the finger at others doing things differently. Please stop doing that – I have seen people staring at me my whole life, whispering, judging, talking behind my back, and it’s annoying. It’s painfully obvious that you admire me in some way, and that is flattering in a sense. But you’re just sitting on your couch, consuming poisonous food, drinks and propaganda watching me live my life. I can’t imagine having that much free time to spend talking about other people. Stop worrying about what I’m doing and get out there and fulfill your own damn destiny, Karen. I’m good over here.

For the first time in my life, I stopped running. I’ve been experiencing a rebirth here in Jupiter, Florida, in the first home I bought for myself, in the town in which I first planted seeds 20 years ago during college. My happy place. Some people called to me while I was still up north, scrolling through the #JUPlife with every hope and prayer I could muster amidst chaos, crisis, serious trauma. Without even knowing it, these people gave me hope of a better life. Just hang in there a little longer, Kelly. Shortly after my arrival in Paradise, I would leave my husband. Shortly after that, I received the knock on my door that is everyone’s worst nightmare. My son’s father was dead.

To heal, I had to face it all – why did I put up with so much abuse my whole life? Why was I always abandoned? Why did I feel so worthless? So unlovable? Why was it so hard? There were times that I couldn’t stop beating myself up enough to get up and fight. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for Dylan. He saved my life so many times. Eventually, self-care led to self-awareness and so much grace for little Kelly, the woman I have become, and all the beautiful and messy phases in between.

I’m 38 months alcohol-free today. If you knew me a decade or two ago, you know what an incredible accomplishment this is. As an Irish business owner and only parent, I’m incredibly grateful I was chosen to break this generational curse for my family. I’m better than I ever thought I could be, I stopped drinking and unleashed a power within me. I found peace and happiness within, and I’ve stepped into a brand-new life. No matter where life takes me from here, no one can take this away from me, I will always be ok. Anything beyond this is just a life enhancement.

It’s not a crisis, as Brene Brown says, it’s a midlife unraveling. It’s shedding all that wasn’t meant for us and becoming everything we were meant to be. And it’s beautiful. Please don’t be afraid to look within, friends, turn on your inner light. If I have learned anything so far, it’s that escaping our problems will only make them worse. Facing yourself and doing the work it takes to become the best version of yourself is not as bad as the fallout that comes from running away. I promise you that. And remember:

Rock Bottom Has Built More Champions Than Privilege Ever Did

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